Bloghalla - Blog Courageously

Last week my company decided to take a risk and let me out of my cage. I’m a software engineer by trade and since I quit smoking, I rarely look up during a typical 9-11 hour day. To quote the scientist in the movie Independence Day, who played the android “Data” in Star Trek, “They don’t let us out much”.

For the trip, I bought a few of my favorite magazines (Popular Photography and Popular Mechanics to be more specfic) and resisted the urge to open them until I got on the plane. One of my colleagues, we’ll call him Chopper, was traveling with me and didn’t bring anything to read. I offered him something from my collection to which he replied with a tad of sarcasm, “Nah, I’ll just flip through the good ole’ SkyMall magazine”. Ok, suit yourself.

Before we could take off Chopper points out an interesting item. It was called “The Pet’s Observation Porthole”. The ad claimed it would help reduce your dog’s barking because he/she can see what is on the other side of the fence. Yes, that is until your dog realizes he/she can use it to see more shit to bark at!

As we flipped through the catalogue we stopped to laugh at the real “gems” and before we knew it we were landing. We saw the Coolaroo, Fling-ama-string, and a signed Don Knotts picture. I truely believe, with good marketing, you could take a crap in a bag and sell it.

Let this be a lesson to you creative, innovative people or, more importantly, those who think they are creative or innovative. There are no stupid ideas, just stupid consumers.

I’m not going into much detail for Part - I. Here I will summarize all of the ghost hunting programs on TV (you pick) in this stunning reenactment of two intelligent mid level managers for a large corporation at the water cooler. (If intelligent people actually watched these shows)

Bob: Filling a tiny paper cup with water, “Fred, did you catch the <insert show name here> last night?”
Fred: “Not all of it. My smoking hot trophy-wife has been pestering me for sex for weeks and I couldn’t put it off any longer. Soooo, I slam dunked her one. Fill me in on the first 6 minutes. What did I miss?”
Bob: “Well, they went into a creepy building really late at night. And one of the guys, after an hour or so, thinks he sees something on his camera. Turns out, it was nothing. Then, a little later, another aguy and psychic think they see something. Turns out, it was nothing.”
Fred: “Shit! Sounds like I missed a lot. I came in right as they were coming back from a commercial and the one guy thought he heard something on his tape recorder and felt an inexplicable cold breeze and heard tapping and footsteps and felt sick and dizzy and a floating full torso apparition (FTA for those of you in the industry) pointing at the door and holding a sign that read, Get the Fuck Out!”
Bob: “Ooooh! I saw that part! I was so bummed when it turned out to be the light reflecting in from the street. I thought, this is it! I’m gonna see a ghost this time! Shit! Shit! Shit!”
Fred: “I know! I know! Next week’s episode looks awesome. They’re going to go into a creepy library at night and ask a bunch of questions directly to the ghosts. Questions like, Why are you here?, Are you trying to communicate with someone?, If you can hear me, tap 3 times or move something. Those guys have big hairy ones, I tell you.”

To be continued….

Midwest USA, Sep 15 - A man living in St. Louis has filed suit against Apple Computers, Inc claiming their hot Apple iPhone has “ruined his life”. The plaintiff nor the case specify the exact amount being sought in this potentially groundbreaking trial.

Well, it might happen! Here’s the deal. I have been wanting an iPhone for a loooong time. A really long time. Releasing the iPhone 3G was just like sprinkling a little heroin on top of crack. No shit! After the initial “mad dash” of customers, long lines, waiting lists, etc had died down, I made my move. Having it on good authority that stores had them in stock, I walked in to a relatively empty AT&T store, plunked down the credit card and walked out with my “little bundle of joy”. This is where it starts to go bad. Yes, that quick!

Before you can say, “Matt! Take the needle out of your vein!”. I was already addicted and no friends and loved ones interventions, 12 step program, or anonymous group meeting was going to do a damn thing about it. I was surfing the web on a real browser, sending emails, emailing pictures, you name it. And I wasnt even out of the store. Yes, I was absolutely screwed. (To be continued.)