After almost deleting the message, I figured I had better preserve it for future chuckles by making a screenshot. As I was in the process, it hit me. This is a pedophile from Texas trying to disinfranchise me from my, God given, right to vote for the least awful candidate for President of the United States. If anyone is going to make me waste my opportunity there is a long list of people I actually know who can do it and I, myself, am at the top of that list! Without hesitation I posted the screenshot in as many places on the internet as I could think of. Friends of mine were linking to it and spreading the good word. Below is the actual popup message on my iPhone.

On another note, I think a good indicator of how successful you are at something on the internet can be measured by how many times you have been ripped off by someone else. As evidenced by this jackass, you can clearly see my screenshot with the phone numbers blocked out. If you’re reading this, you just protected the criminals (Conservatives?) from prosecution by hiding their information. I think it might make you an accessory to the crime(s).

Jackass’ Website

At the end of it all, I’m sitting here typing this, feeling pretty good about myself and considering taking up a part-time job. That is, being everything to everyone. Just one of the unsung heroes doing his little part in America!

We join the show, for me, in episodes 1 and 2, hot off the DVR last night. (When I should have been sleeping.) True Blood starts off in an America where Vampires have (I am not making this up), “come out of the coffin”, and apparently, “just want to fit in”. Well, they want to fit into the “after sunset social scene”. In this world, technology has created a perfect synthetic blood called True Blood, that can be purchased in (so far as we know) bars and convenience stores.  Thus, vampires don’t have to feed on humans and can now cohabitate with the mortals.  As much as I’m liking the show so far, I have a couple of issues with the believeability of the story.  Here’s why.

Goodbye lateshift for all you mortals. Firstly, vampires are strong and fast. Our first vampire, Bill Compton,  (Not Count William Compton IV or anything like that) kills a couple of people, saving his mortal, telepathic, fine as hell, girlfriend, and makes it look like they died when a tornado hit their mobile home. What I’m saying is it would only take 1 or 2 of them to do the work of 20 people. Unemployment, depending on how many of them file for social security numbers, could be off the charts.

They are being oppressed and persecuted. Yeah right! In this show, they are hunted an “drained” for their “narcotic/aphrodesiac-like” blood and treated much like a minority. Folks using words like “you people” and “your kind”. This would never happen. Even out in the sticks with a dive-bar full of like-minded, biggoted vampire hating rednecks to back you up. One of the guys could clean house. For “hatin’ on vampires”, I’m calling bullshit!

In summary, they’ve done a lot of good stuff with this one. I think HBO has found a much overdue winner in True Blood. Now, if this series ends with a “switch to black”, I’ll put a stake in HBO, in my house. You heard me!

I can almost see it now. Why?

First: Americans are “Litigation Nutjobs”! We base the risky decisions in our lives on how much we could sue for if we get hurt or sick. That floor looks slippery. Screw it! This blah, blah, blah, company has “deep pockets”.  Besides, I’m almost 40 and you could buy a lot of prescriptions for pain killers if I herniate a disk or tear my ACL.

Second: It’s really that addictive.  Want to bitch about something? Post some feedback on the net with your iPhone.  See something funny?  Take a picture of it and send it to your friends with your iPhone.  Need directions to the house down the street?  Get directions to navigate the .25 miles to your friends house with your iPhone.  I don’t thing humans have ever seen “so much value” in such a small package.  Exception: Swiss Army knives and condoms.

C: It’s making me stupid.  In just one week, I no longer need to remember meetings, directions, phone numbers, web addresses, or what my kids look like.   It’s all right there in my pocket now.  I have also been giving myself about 10 extra minutes to get to work because just this week, I’ve missed my stop on the train at least 3 times.   On one of those instances, I actually had to ‘back track’.  I’m not proud of it.

We’re only scratching the surface.  Stay tuned.

For the trip, I bought a few of my favorite magazines (Popular Photography and Popular Mechanics to be more specfic) and resisted the urge to open them until I got on the plane. One of my colleagues, we’ll call him Chopper, was traveling with me and didn’t bring anything to read. I offered him something from my collection to which he replied with a tad of sarcasm, “Nah, I’ll just flip through the good ole’ SkyMall magazine”. Ok, suit yourself.

Before we could take off Chopper points out an interesting item. It was called “The Pet’s Observation Porthole”. The ad claimed it would help reduce your dog’s barking because he/she can see what is on the other side of the fence. Yes, that is until your dog realizes he/she can use it to see more shit to bark at!

As we flipped through the catalogue we stopped to laugh at the real “gems” and before we knew it we were landing. We saw the Coolaroo, Fling-ama-string, and a signed Don Knotts picture. I truely believe, with good marketing, you could take a crap in a bag and sell it.

Let this be a lesson to you creative, innovative people or, more importantly, those who think they are creative or innovative. There are no stupid ideas, just stupid consumers.

Bob: Filling a tiny paper cup with water, “Fred, did you catch the <insert show name here> last night?”
Fred: “Not all of it. My smoking hot trophy-wife has been pestering me for sex for weeks and I couldn’t put it off any longer. Soooo, I slam dunked her one. Fill me in on the first 6 minutes. What did I miss?”
Bob: “Well, they went into a creepy building really late at night. And one of the guys, after an hour or so, thinks he sees something on his camera. Turns out, it was nothing. Then, a little later, another aguy and psychic think they see something. Turns out, it was nothing.”
Fred: “Shit! Sounds like I missed a lot. I came in right as they were coming back from a commercial and the one guy thought he heard something on his tape recorder and felt an inexplicable cold breeze and heard tapping and footsteps and felt sick and dizzy and a floating full torso apparition (FTA for those of you in the industry) pointing at the door and holding a sign that read, Get the Fuck Out!”
Bob: “Ooooh! I saw that part! I was so bummed when it turned out to be the light reflecting in from the street. I thought, this is it! I’m gonna see a ghost this time! Shit! Shit! Shit!”
Fred: “I know! I know! Next week’s episode looks awesome. They’re going to go into a creepy library at night and ask a bunch of questions directly to the ghosts. Questions like, Why are you here?, Are you trying to communicate with someone?, If you can hear me, tap 3 times or move something. Those guys have big hairy ones, I tell you.”

To be continued….

Well, it might happen! Here’s the deal. I have been wanting an iPhone for a loooong time. A really long time. Releasing the iPhone 3G was just like sprinkling a little heroin on top of crack. No shit! After the initial “mad dash” of customers, long lines, waiting lists, etc had died down, I made my move. Having it on good authority that stores had them in stock, I walked in to a relatively empty AT&T store, plunked down the credit card and walked out with my “little bundle of joy”. This is where it starts to go bad. Yes, that quick!

Before you can say, “Matt! Take the needle out of your vein!”. I was already addicted and no friends and loved ones interventions, 12 step program, or anonymous group meeting was going to do a damn thing about it. I was surfing the web on a real browser, sending emails, emailing pictures, you name it. And I wasnt even out of the store. Yes, I was absolutely screwed. (To be continued.)

I’m going to start with a lofty goal of one post per week with a one post weekend option. At a minimum, once per week. I get into flurries so I may go batshit with posts in one week or day the drop off but will try to never drop below my goal.

Wish me luck, fuckers!
Matt